Anika’s Zen and the Power of Gratitude. A new weekly column. Every Sunday.

 

I am an escape artist. Me in a car, on a road, with loud music, mostly alone, is a happy place! The house on the other hand? Not so much. Until recently, any chance I got, I would escape from my house. I call it a house, because it took the pandemic to make me realize that it can be a home. But more on that later. Right now, let’s talk about escaping.

 

The Great Escape

 

Like I said, I love to escape. I love the joy of an open road, an endless sky with no clear destination in mind. I like the freedom that it represents and offers. Over time I have realized that it is simply the way I am wired. Just like many others, as highlighted in this article. As the world got into lockdown and people were forced to stay in their homes for extended periods of time, it was interesting to see who adhered to new behavior guidelines and who did not. Research psychologists from Cambridge, Columbia and Harvard universities, found that extroverts are least likely to follow official guidance to stay at home. However, as they are likely to set behavior examples for others, the team suggested that tailoring public health messages towards them, could encourage greater overall compliance in populations and help prevent the spread of the virus.

The survey explored the five key traits commonly used by psychologists to characterize personality: agreeableness, conscientiousness, extroversion, neuroticism, and openness. Agreeable people are usually more compliant and trusting, while conscientious ones are diligent and law-abiding. People scoring high for these personality traits, tend to stay at home when advised to do so. No surprise there. It would be interesting, however, if there was a way to determine, what percentage of the population is agreeable and conscientious.

 

The Other Set of People

 

On the other hand, People who scored as highly neurotic, and those with very open-minded personalities decided to stay at home more even before lockdowns were put into place – they were already concerned about catching the virus. The researchers think that as restrictions on movements lift, these groups are more likely to maintain social distancing than other personality types. Again, no surprises here. Come to think of it, they would probably be the first to get the vaccine as well.

“Highly neurotic people had decided early on that this virus wasn’t something to mess with, and open-minded people tend to be very well-connected and interested in the wider world, so we think they realized the potential impact of coronavirus earlier than others and acted accordingly,” added Andrés Gvirtz, a PhD researcher in Cambridge’s Department of Psychology and second author of the study.

It seems like it all boiled down to the extroverts. The researchers suggested that public health messages be tailored towards extroverts, to encourage greater compliance with lockdown rules in the population. They also suggested that such messages try to convey an understanding of how hard it is to stay at home – particularly for people who really enjoy being with their friends and family – and point out that the guidance is in place to protect those people. Thereby appealing to reason and emotion to change behavior. After all, we all know, how difficult it is to change behavior.

 

March 2020

 

When the global pandemic became real and we all went into a lockdown, most of my friends thought I would go stir crazy. For the first time in years, many like me, not by choice, were in their homes, over extended periods of time.

Research shows that at the height of the pandemic, most working Americans were spending at least a few weekdays at home. Some were laid off, others were working remotely, but most had one thing in common: unlike at any time before, they were suddenly spending an extensive period inside a single house or apartment with the same few family members, not by choice. It continues to be one of the fastest, most sweeping shifts of human behavior in modern history.

Overnight, as we went into lockdown, our colleagues were replaced by our partners, spouses, children and pets. The places that we visited the most during the days and that fed our souls in many ways – workplaces, bars, stores – were all replaced with endless hours at home. Endless that could extend up to 18 hours a day. And just like that, the distinct line between work and home not only blurred, but disappeared!

 

Companions

 

 

Of almost 90 million American adults whom the Labor Department classified as being forced home by the coronavirus pandemic for at least some of May last year, research showed that:

• About 1 in 8 were home alone.
• Almost 2 in 5 were home with kids.
• Almost 50% were in a household with another adult who was also suddenly sent home.
• More than two-thirds were home with another adult, such as a stay-at-home spouse or retiree.

 

What did we do with the extra time that we had on our hands? Economist José María Barrero of the Autonomous Technological Institute of Mexico and his collaborators asked almost 5,000 Americans how they used the time they saved by not commuting for instance. 44% went towards additional work and the rest towards additional binge watching, chores, taking care of kids and exercise.

The pause made us come to terms with the places that sheltered us, the people we lived with and the relationships that we had with both. A Washington Post analysis of Bureau of Labor Statistics monthly data on marriages, separations and divorces shows few changes. But many signs point to a rise in separations and divorces post the pandemic. No surprise considering the kind of stress that couples are going through currently. Along with losing jobs and income, they are also coming to terms with the deaths of more than 475,000 friends and relatives.

 

The Need to be Free

 

Being a naval officer’s daughter, I was used to moving every 3 years or so. Change was the only constant and I got used to it as my normal. Perhaps it is why I have always sought roles that mandated travel. Through work and leisure, I got the opportunity to visit cities, countries and continents. Looking back, the happiest moments of my life have been on a road, in a plane, a ship, or a train somewhere.

My need for freedom probably intensified after marriage and motherhood. Both roles came with rules, many unwritten. I would see my peers behave in a certain way when they got married and/or when they became parents, and I would cringe. Not because they were behaving in a way that was the norm, but because the norm did not resonate with me. Where was it written, for example, that you should not travel with a young child? Who said anything about returning at a godly hour just because one was now married, for instance? And most importantly, where was it written that one day you are single and free, and the next you are a homemaker, expected to create a perfect home? And for whom the need for a perfect home, if I may add?

 

Escape

 

 

And so, I escaped. I escaped regularly from my house. Any chance I could get. And with the patience of a Zen monk, the house waited for me to embrace it. Don’t get me wrong. The house was functional through it all – dishes got washed, laundry got done, food got made and get togethers got held. Yet, it was a house – 4 walls that were meant to serve a purpose. A purpose that did not include me calling it my own!

And then the pandemic hit. With everyone confined to their homes and no place to escape, we all had to accept our homes. So, I did what almost everyone else did – binge watched Netflix. And then when I could do it no more, I did what I never thought I would do – look at my house with new eyes and reflected on it the way I had never done before.

 

New Eyes

 

And look I did. I looked at this house that had sheltered me for almost 14 years. That had seen me become a mom for the 2nd time, and seen the pain I went through, alone with almost no help, with a young 3-year-old, a dog and a newborn – taking care of a house, all alone.

I saw the house that had seen me weep, escape every chance that I could get and not judge me for it, patiently waiting every time I returned to the safety of its walls. I saw a house that had embraced so many of my friends, time and time again. And most of all, I saw a house that did not just embrace my moments but witnessed them with dispassion. Realizing that I am more than my moments.

 

Realization Hits Home

 

It was this realization that changed the way I looked at my house and started to embrace it as a home. Simple tasks took on a new meaning. Closets got cleaned from the inside out, the good glassware came out, not waiting for a special event. Almost every day became a day to give some love back to this house that stood with me, no matter what.

I started decorating and arranging differently, this time with more compassion than ownership. Everything that I cleaned, sorted or arranged, I saw as a dialogue between my house and me. Things were no longer dumped. Simple cooked dishes took on a new meaning. I even did the impossible and starting ironing clothes – who would have thought!

This new dialogue between my house and me, extended to my small, half-acre garden. I enriched it with close to 10 truckloads of compost and mulch. As my house slowly turned into a home in my eyes and my heart, I saw the returns.

In my garden, it was difficult to stop the constant, growing cacophony of birds. The butterflies, bees and pollinators came back with renewed energy. So did the deer but I am not complaining anymore. Everything seemed brighter like a day freshly washed with rain and I realized that all it needed was my new eyes.

 

Gratitude for my Home

 

Perhaps this pandemic was the single biggest experiment of many things. One of them is what we do with our homes and the time that we have. I ended up embracing it, but it took 12 years and the pandemic combined. Does that mean that I will not get into my car tomorrow? Of course not. But my home knows what my best friends and soulmates do. That I do best when I am left alone to escape and be. Because if the love is real and the dialogue in-depth, I will return. Ensuring the dialogue continues.

For now, I have found my home, in many parts because I helped make it one. And I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to have the time and the pause to finally give my home what it has been waiting for. The time, the patience, the care and the attention that it needed to become exactly what it was meant to all along – a home!

 

Read my previous blogs below:

• Anika’s Zen and the Power of Gratitude
• Sack Full of Breaths
• The Power of Silence: A Date with Myself
• Travel Through the Glass
• The Elusive Trophy
• The Joy of Everyday
• Does Love Have a Color?
• My Neighborhood, My Tribe
• The Snow Persisted
• Lucky Me, a Woman
• Science, the Real Hero
• Where Diamonds Fail
• An Optimistic World
• This Thing Called Blah
• Hope Springs Eternal

 

Anika Sharma is a digital thought leader, a mother, a professor at New York University’s Stern School of Business. She was recently named as one of the top 150 digital global leaders to follow in 2021. When she is not busy working or raising her two teenage children, you can find her planting herbs in her garden, meditating with her friends, swimming long laps or filling rooms with her cackling laughter. Contact her at anikadas@gmail.com or on twitter

 

If you enjoyed this blog, read about the Many Benefits of Gratitude, Covid-19: How I am Learning to Cope, Seven Ways to Manage Your Emotions, Covid-19 and Beyond and the Rules of Simple Living.