People Being People

Anika’s Zen and the Power of Gratitude. Right here for you, weekly, every Sunday.

 

Recently during my meditation practice, I came across this rather revolutionary thought, “Give permission for people to be who they are.” It took a couple of minutes to sink in. It was not just about letting people be, something that we hear all the time. This thought went further in the way we looked at them and accepted them. Whoa! This was a huge ask, at least for me.

 

Happy with People

 

People make me happy. Being in the company of people makes me happy. In ones and twos, no more. During this pandemic I understood that I am not as much of an extrovert as I thought I was. Yes, I am comfortable in crowds but not necessarily comfortable interacting with crowds. I have always enjoyed the company of people, whether it is a walk, a conversation or even a shopping spree. You, of course, would be forgiven if you thought otherwise, thanks to the various social media images that feature people aplenty. That is because, when it comes to gatherings, I am of the opinion the bigger the better…people mingling with each other, enjoying conversations, dancing, sharing stories over cups of joy or beer, whatever makes them happy. These are kind of scenes that spark joy in me.

At a recent gathering to wish bon voyage to a dear neighborhood couple, a friend (and neighbor) said, “When it comes to events, that is your thing Anika -you flit in and out like a (social) butterfly. That is your MO.” She was not saying it with judgement, but more as an observation. It made me laugh but it also made me think. The MO part was true; at events, I usually arrive last and leave first. And that has just been the way it has been for a while now.

 

 

Teenage Years

 

Of course, the more one is with people, the more one gets into conflict. I have had my fair share. Often, when I have been upset in life, it has been because of people.

In my teenage years, I had such an amazing journey when I fell in love with the boy next door (like literally the boy next door). And yet we broke up because of something stupid we said to each other. So many years together and all it took were a few words to ruin it.  Because we were being we and by we, I mean emotional, hormonally driven teenagers!

Schools and Colleges are such a coming of age – a metamorphosis of sorts. You must showcase and project yourself even though you may not know who you are. What a dichotomy. So much is said and so much hurt caused unnecessarily. These are the years with the opportunities to form the strongest friendships in a lifetime and yet, also the years when one feels the most hurt because of what someone said or did not say; or in other cases, someone did or did not do.

Today, even as an adult, with the assumption that I now know better, I still get upset with people and the way they behave. Now that I reflect on it, I believe they may not even know the way they behave, because they just are. Perhaps that is just the way they are wired.

 

Can People Change?

 

It made me think. Can people really change, including myself? Are we born in a particular way, and then do we spend an entire lifetime basically ‘discovering’ ourselves?

Which led me to another question, how hardwired is human behavior? According to Nigel Nicolson’s article in Harvard Business Review and I quote, “A convergence of research and discoveries in genetics, neuropsychology, and paleobiology, among other sciences, evolutionary psychology holds that although human beings today inhabit a thoroughly modern world of space exploration and virtual realities, they do so with the ingrained mentality of Stone Age hunter-gatherers. Homo sapiens emerged on the Savannah Plain some 200,000 years ago, yet according to evolutionary psychology, people today still seek those traits that made survival possible then: an instinct to fight furiously when threatened, for instance, and a drive to trade information and share secrets. Human beings are, in other words, hardwired. You can take the person out of the Stone Age, evolutionary psychologists contend, but you can’t take the Stone Age out of the person.”

So, can people change? Yes, they can, but that does not necessarily mean they will. Most people don’t like change in general and changing oneself may mean looking really hard into the mirror and coming to terms with some things that one may not like. Change requires having an openness to experience and a lot of hard work.

It starts with awareness of self and of course, of others. For instance, I have learnt over time that New Yorkers can seem rather direct and ‘rushed’ to most other people in the world. While we continue to be what we have, you know, learnt to be – New Yorkers!

 

Hot and Cold

 

I have learnt over time that the same thing can mean different things to different people. In the same house, cold and warm can be relative to the same set of people. What is warm for you is cold for me. Unless it is 90 degrees and sunny, you will rarely see me without a stole or covering. It is almost 2nd nature to the point where I did not think about it. Until I was writing this.

Similarly, what is energizing to me can be extremely draining to someone else. This can cause the other person to behave in ways that you don’t necessarily want them to, especially in a gathering. Worst still, it can cause another person to avoid gatherings in general.

I have a sibling who is such an introvert that people literally drain her. Even though she lives relatively close by, and I am the kind of person that will run to meet her any instance I get, she is the very opposite and I must admit it took a very large part of my life to understand who she is. Every opportunity to gather I embrace wholeheartedly, and she shuns. A huge fan of celebrations in general, it has taken a large part of my lifetime to understand her and realize that it is not about me at all. I am not completely there yet in my understanding, but I believe I have truly begun to understand that perhaps by giving her permission to be herself, it will not take away anything from me or my love for celebrations.

I cannot even begin to tell you how huge this is for me and hopefully will go only further to flourish a rather fragile sibling bond.

 

In Gratitude

 

 

I am so grateful for the people in my life because in so many parts, they have shaped me to be who I am. Sure, I have got hurt along the way, been upset, angry, irritable, and often even quit on them. And I am sure I have done my fair share to them. But it all starts with awareness. As I was meditating on a particularly difficult person recently, I am in deep gratitude for this thought. It has made me feel lighter for now. However, I do want to set out on this journey of giving people permission to be who they are. And while you mull on this, remember the even bigger thought; they are not waiting for any kind of permission to be. The permission that I am talking about is in our minds – the permission to let them be and realize that it is no reflection on us in general or me in particular. They just are.

Someone told me a few months back, “This is the first time in my life I am being accepted, embraced and loved for who I am without someone asking me to change anything about me.” I never asked him how it felt, but I am assuming it must have been liberating at some level.

The permission to be who we are. As a practice, and with awareness, when we are not beaten down to pulp for our nature, I am assuming that it can only bring out the best in ourselves. And for that I am deeply grateful.

 

Read my previous blogs below:

• Anika’s Zen and the Power of Gratitude
• Sack Full of Breaths
• The Power of Silence: A Date with Myself
• Travel Through the Glass
• The Elusive Trophy
• The Joy of Everyday
• Does Love Have a Color?
• My Neighborhood, My Tribe
• The Snow Persisted
• Lucky Me, a Woman
• Science, the Real Hero
• Where Diamonds Fail
• An Optimistic World
• This Thing Called Blah
• Hope Springs Eternal
• The Prodigal Returns Home
• Living in the Past

 

Anika Sharma is a digital thought leader, a mother, a professor at New York University’s Stern School of Business. She was recently named as one of the top 150 digital global leaders to follow in 2021. When she is not busy working or raising her two teenage children, you can find her planting herbs in her garden, meditating with her friends, swimming long laps or filling rooms with her cackling laughter. Contact her at anikadas@gmail.com or on twitter

 

If you enjoyed this blog, read about the Many Benefits of Gratitude, Covid-19: How I am Learning to Cope, Seven Ways to Manage Your Emotions, Covid-19 and Beyond and the Rules of Simple Living.